When wooing, the wooer should look in such a way to catch the wooed's attention.  Although it is best to change you outfit completely, you may not have time.  Or in my case it may be too cold to take off all the furs.  Remember In the cold of the Volga river all men become equal.

So that is why we have the Traditional Vulgar Wooing Hat.  For one can quickly change your hat as you change your mind.  Also the Hat is easier to store and carry then the Traditional Vulgar Wooing Suit.

Each part of the Hat is symbolic of the Wooers skill.  A novice will start with a simple cap and add features as he progresses.

The first is the tassel.  It is given to the novice by his teacher.  It is to symbolize that as a wooer we must allow ourselves to fall where we may but always look good will doing so.

Next the novice wooer works on his boobie prizes.  These are the white puffs that adorn the hat.  Each one signifying master of wooing one part of the wooed.  Each one is a symbol of the Creator's Greatest creation "The Boob."  (followed closely by Man's greatest creation "The Bodice" which shows off more of the first.)

After lining up your boobies, then comes the advanced masters of the tabs.  Each color representing some great task of wooing.  For example, the Yellow Tab is for successfully wooing a wooed while running away from the wooed's intended.

Lastly, the knots.  We tie a knot for every time we successfully avoid tieing the knot.

We now move past the foot and to the other side, for we should not only adore one half of perfection.  We will come back to the Feet as they must be taken to together lest they find their own way to our heart (or lower organs, depends on how flexible the woo'ed is)

If the woo'ed is a Lady, then the shin may be concealed.  But the wooer's mind should be able to see clearly the unabashed shin.  If the woo'ed's shin can be seen, then draw your passion from the exposed ankle yet concentrate on the shin.

The shin may be hard but it is sensitive to the woo'ed and is the point to the prefect circle of the woo'ed's leg.  The shin is the greater of two that protects the little fibula to hold the woo'ed tall.  As is the woo'er's passion for the woo'ed is the great concealer of our little fibs as well.

Yet as two become one with flesh in the leg of the woo'ed, so is is the hope that the woo'er end up not legless and may join in flesh as well.

With the right hat and the right tools, you too can be as successful as Uncle Vlad!

Taking the first step to the wooed is simple.  Take the rest of them get up to them maybe a bit trickier if the ground is muddy.  Once you are there look in to their nose.  Fools go for the eyes, and amateurs look go for the end.  But the nose that is the perch from which you can see the wholeness of the wooed's face.

For the wooed's nose leads the face and the rest of the wooed.  It points to where her attention is going.  So if the nose is pointed at you, you are her attention.

Once you have approached the wooed and seen the nose, step back and see the whole embodiment of perfection that is now before you.  For the wooed in front of you is the most perfect woman in your life.  All those that you woo are the most perfect women, but do not let them know that.

(Of course this gets difficult in group wooing but that is another lesson)

Now is when you pick the part that strikes you first.  In my case it is has been the hand or knee that has struck Vlad many times.  But the foot and elbow are also to be adorned.

In this day in age, there are women who do not want to be put on a pedestal.  If this is the case get up on the pedestal with her and be as equal.

Remember, there is no hole too deep that you can not dig further.  For in digging further you may find the buried treasure. 

We start with simple yet forgotten grace of any woman.  The Left Big Toe.  It is the beginning of perfection of any woman, but so far from the end.  The Left Big Toe reminds us that as we stumble in the dark towards their beauty, we hope that their toe remains un-stubbed.  

It is the Left Big Toe that leads all the other piggies in the perfection and grace that is their left foot.  But we are not at the foot yet.  Think of the Big Toe.

We dream that their toe may find comfort in the shoes of our desire.  That our sole may cover her feet from the dirty that we must grovel on to enjoy their beauty and perfection.

The Left Big Toe, sinister twin to the right.  But just as pure in its virtue of Toe-tality.